… there are no words for this. Either this was created on a
shoestring budget the likes of which have not been seen since Blake’s 7 or this game was officially
created to troll people. I’ve never seen a more lazily made game. This one really
proves to be bad even by the standards of Xbox Live indie titles; you know, the
selection which consists of religious quiz titles and torturously amateur FMV
quicktime events. So what makes 2 Jawsome
so especially abhorrent to the point it stands out amongst the bottom of the
barrel titles? Let’s find out.
First off, there’s no plot for this. Nothing at all, not
even the “are you a bad enough dude”
reasoning you usually get to handwave away stuff; though at least that can be
overlooked. But the gameplay, by Poseidon’s salty balls the gamplay! Just looking
at it makes you wonder why they even bothered trying to ever release it. It’s
so amateurish, so terribly half baked it’s hard to decide where to start on how
godaweful it is. You know those terrible games you see once in a while, the
ones so bad that their problem isn’t the fact they’re too difficult or have bad
graphics? The ones which are just so visibly barely completed that you feel no
challenge playing them and the very experience of picking up a controller feels
like a chore? That’s this title in a nutshell.
First – The level designs. There might as well not be any.
What you have is a wide open area in which to sail about in a boat. This area
looks like some vision of hell if it were farted out by Salvador Dali on an
exceptionally lazy day.
The sky overhead is dominated by some huge bluescreen which
is borderline neon and begins to hurt your eyes after a while. It’s also the
only hint of colour in this world. Either side of you are grey buildings which
have been badly copied and pasted from Google Maps and are so ugly they make
the likes of City 17 look appealing to live in. This is the laziest part of the
level but it’s not the worst. Not that’s the liquid you’re on. I say liquid
because it’s sure as hell not water as it consists of a familiar dark brown
colour. It’s also apparently been frozen over as there are no waves and just
one solid chunk of shiny surface you slide about on. This is something which
doesn’t help the very limited physics capabilities.
You skid around the surface of the water like you’re on an
air hockey table without any sense of friction or even if you’re actually
touching the ground. With such terrible graphics and badly marked out
boundaries you’ll barely know they are there until you bounce off of a force
field attached to some slightly different coloured part of the sea. Which is apparently supposed to be a beach of
some kind. When it actually works and keeps you in one area anyway. More
than once I managed to somehow end up outside the “sea” and far inland,
no-clipping through half textured grey blobs of buildings.
But the crowning failure of 2 Jawsome, the third strike and final nail in the coffin is the
objectives of your gameplay. You rescue people from circling sharks and
cylindrical speech bubbles hovering over their head by running them over and
complete the level by hitting enough of them. In other words you’re collecting
things. However, where as most games would make things interesting with its
maps and enemies, and even Superman 64
had some variety to it, this is simply time wasting. You’re stuck in one small
area, hitting these objectives with no visible impact upon the game and then
you “win”. Watching this play out on screen is like watching paint dry, you’re not
sure if you’re winning, losing, doing right, doing wrong and there’s no sense
of any accomplishment. Any score or fast time you might complete this in is
completely pointless as there’s no sense of pressure, desire to finish things
or even moments to enjoy.
Perhaps the only thing which doesn’t need to be vivisected is
the music. It might be below average and helps to enhance the sense of
perpetual monotony within the “levels” but it’s visibly somewhat less atrocious
than everything else in this.
Really, there is no reason to get this. It is an almost awe-inspiringly
cheap final product and should just been avoided and forgotten. And before
someone tries to get this off the hook by saying “Hey, it’s only a one dollar indie title, it can’t be held to any high
standards” I said Kymera bloody Keeper was relatively fun, and that
was a free online Facebook game. This though? Use it if you need to prove to
someone that the likes of Big Rigs
wasn’t the worst of the video games industry, otherwise find something better on the Xbox
Live marketplace.
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2 Jawsome and all related characters and media are owned by Archor Games.
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