Totally Accurate Battle Simulator (Video Game Review)

Totally Accurate Battle Simulator (or TABS, as this will become a nightmare to write otherwise) is one of those games which has been about for years. Much like Ark, Subnautica and others, it has spent much of its existence locked away in Steam Early Access. Unlike most games, TABS is one which put that time to good use. While the essential premise has gone unchanged, the overall perspective, style, and even the core units has been radically altered multiple times during its development. Thankfully, the end result is easily the strongest of the bunch.


The Story

There isn't one. You put down units and you fight. Even with the campaign, it's more a structure of various scenarios rather than a proper tale.


The Good

The entire dynamic of TABS is to be an open mockery of warfare, from historical warfare simulators to RTS games. The various armies present are a mix of historically (in)accurate groups from various eras, ranging from cavemen up to the Age of Sail, with a few oddities thrown in. What is truly remarkable about this is just how few of them are truly similar to one another, as the vast majority have some major gimmick or quality which helps them to immediately stand out. 

Take archers for example: You have your basic men armed with bows and arrows, who provide a cheap hard hitting option with Medieval forces. However, those from the Dynasty (a mix of Japan and China) are much more expensive but shoot fireworks, which dig into your units, send them shooting about the battlefield and then explode. Those utilized by the Ancient faction (Greece, Rome, and Persia) comparatively fire snakes, which then act as an independent unit which goes after the nearest threat. Finally, the cavemen skip this entirely and go for a much harder hitting but less accurate spear.

This contrast is present throughout the entire game, and even the most bog-standard fodder at least has some gimmick which helps them stand out in some regard. Whether it's damage, animations or attack time, each will have some surprising aspect which ultimately ends up giving them a few notable differences and advantages. This only gets progressively crazier with super-units, which range from giants to legendary individuals like Vlad the Impaler to gods like Zeus.

Most of this might sound somewhat interesting so far, but here's the big difference: You control none of this. You decide who gets set down where, which maps to choose and who to use, but you don't guide who attacks what. Instead, you sit back and watch them play out, and enjoy the show. Naturally, some of you might be wondering just what the point is of all this and that it sounds boring as sin. In most cases, you would be right, but here two big differences with this one: Everyone looks like a claymation warrior version of Morph (well, besides the Mammoths), and the ragdoll physics of this game has been dialed up to 11.

Seeing the sheer volume of troops stumbling about, being thrown around or getting stuck on terrain has a bizarrely hilarious quality to it. It makes what should be epic duels to the death into an outright farce, and only becomes increasingly funnier when the AI decides to pull an insane maneuver thanks to its pathfinding capabilities. It makes what should be an infuriating flaw into an act of downright brilliant comedy as a mob of knights chase a single bard (cannon fodder and kite unit) over the edge of a cliff to their doom.

The way in which certain units can interact only makes this all the better, with some getting stuck on one another, or even trapped with their arms behind their backs. It's a Dwarf Fortress sense of joy as everything goes to hell in one way or another, and the sheer number of ways in which various units can interact (and work as hard counters) means that the variety of outcomes is always in question. Even the limited variety of maps isn't a hindrance, simply due to the sheer number of times ill luck or a slightly different unit positioning can transform the outcome.

So, with that in mind, what's wrong with this one?

The Bad

The chief problem here is that once you get past the joke, how much fun you're going to have will vary heavily from person to person. The campaigns are required play-throughs to unlock some of the most entertaining units, and entire factions are hidden away among them. These are also balanced based upon points, requiring you to do a bit of additional thinking when approaching enemy forces. However, beyond this and finding a few hidden units, you're just left with the free-play battles themselves.

A further factor is also how there's no satisfying way to engage with the units themselves. Stating that you can't play it isn't entirely true, as you can take control of some units in a first-person view. However, this is not only extremely janky (turning what is a selling point against the game in this area) but it can often be unsatisfying in most cases. A single ballista while supercharged by cheerleaders (and just wait until you see what those can do) against a horde of mammoths works. However, controlling a single melee unit or most general figures isn't all that fun. It doesn't quite hit the high notes of Dynasty Warriors in terms of one-man carnage and the inherent fragility of who you control isn't offset by a heightened degree of speed in most cases.

Finally, and most pressingly, the tactical element of this came isn't always completely spot on. Luck and flaws play a major role in this, so those seeking something with easily predictable outcomes or control will not have any fun. Equally, the game requires a general gentlemen's agreement to have basic fun. If you end up with some overly competitive freak of nature more concerned with winning than just enjoying the spectacle, neither of you are going to have a good time in what passes for multiplayer.


The Verdict

Much like Gratuitous Space Battles, the lack of control is going to be a major win or lose factor on here. Equally, some of the ridiculousness which can come about thanks to the physics engine and the unpredictability of some armies will be a turn-off. It's certainly not Starcraft II or Command & Conquer, but it's not trying to be. This really is as close as you can get to a party strategy game, and it knows it. As such, you're just meant to put down units, have some basic tactics behind them, and then enjoy the show.

If you're someone who doesn't mind throwing armies at one another purely for the one of it and isn't obsessed with winning/min-maxing forces, definitely give this one a look. It's just pure bloody entertainment, albeit with more carnage than blood.

Totally Accurate Battle Simulator exits Early Access out on April 1st, but is open for purchase now.

Verdict: 8 out of 10