Inquisitor: How to Ruin a Campaign in 40 Minutes

A few times on here we have discussed various horror stories, with games going incredibly wrong. Those listed so far have been largely unpleasant, thanks to a few unfortunate individuals being involved. This isn't the case here though. What we have here is a trainwreck of the best sort, where things went disastrously wrong on turn one. This is the sort of game where it all blew up in our faces, but in the single most spectacularly glorious manner possible.

Also, this was my introduction to roleplaying in general. Looking back on Shadowrun and the games which followed it, I think it left an impression.

Back in the early days of 2005, Fantasy Flight had yet to spark up interest with Dark Heresy. Specialist Games were still largely supported by Games Workshop, or at least tolerated, so long as we were buying their parts. Well, after one too many kill-team games, a few friends and myself decided to experiment with some of their more devoted skirmish outings. It was nothing truly long standing, a few games of Blood Bowl (thank god they brought that back) and Necromunda (expect a full review of that game upon release) campaign there; each was just enough to spark our interest before moving on. However, while for one reason or another each game was cut short, each of us was always interested in the in-depth narrative. Upgrading your players, building your army and truly customizing a small squad had always been fun. Inquisitor offered to take that to the next level. So, when someone brought it up and hinted at a highly in-depth campaign they had in mind, everyone was on board and quite excited.

There was just one slight problem. Everyone was excited, but as we were to later learn, not everyone quite understood how to approach the game.

After two weeks of character building, discussions, arguments and blind attempts and painting, everyone showed up with two or three figures for their warband. As we were intended to build upon these as time went by, this was mostly intended to be a decent start to experiment with the rules and an opportunity to make any early alterations. In addition, to help build up the atmosphere and introduce the drama aspect, we were to begin undercover. The local Imperial governor had suspected of trading xenos technology, which had led several Inquisitors to take great interest in his affairs. While he was hosting an ball for those of noble blood, several such agents of the Emperor's Hallowed KGB took the opportunity to sneak inside.

These consisted of:

Inquisitor Varrick Taldyran of the Ordo Hereticus, a talented witch hunter and expert investigator.

Inquisitor Alanah Hoth also of the Ordo Hereticus, a noble born powerful psyker and skilled swordsman.

Inquisitor Davian Lerod of the Ordo Xenos, an expert infiltrator and professional gunman.

And Inquisitor Tyrael of the Ordo Malleus, a figure with close ties to the Mechanicus and a near totally cybernetic body.

As the game opened up, each of us was given the opportunity to outline just how we had gotten into this place and our general approach. Everyone had a different mentality after all, and it was a chance to set up just how we were going to play these characters. Unsurprisingly, Lerod opted to sneak in through the back door while Tyrael used his connections to ensure he was on the guest list under the persona of a Magos. Hoth meanwhile opted to go for the full undercover treatment after taking the place of a lesser noble of questionable repute, while Taldyran passed himself off as a rogue trader and just waltzed inside. 

On the whole it was a good start, with a few challenges, decent opening roles and opportunities to decide just where to begin. Depending upon when and how we showed up, our characters were given different placements and opportunities. So, Hoth and Taldyran could get info by mingling with other folk, Tyrael used the security systems to his advantage and Lerod was given full access to the back rooms thanks to using the air vent trick. That last one proved to be a big mistake. 

You see, we were all new to this. Without a local D&D fanatic to learn from, the closest thing we had to a reference on how to act was a few Black Library novels and Necromunda. To most of us this meant an infiltration mission was an infiltration mission. To Lerod's player, it was a chance to get the first shot in. We had all entered with the Mission Impossible theme in our minds. He had X Gon' Give It to Ya echoing about his skull.

Once the rest of us were done mingling with the folks and actually investigating the place, Lerod promptly drew two pistols and shot all the chefs. Moments later, as the rest of his retinue swung into the building via hookshots (smashing several priceless glass mosaiques on their way in) and aimed guns at the partygoers, Lerod kicked his way into the room.

Everyone involved was given a brief glimpse of a wild eyed man in full leather with enough autopistols to arm a full squad. He then screamed the high Gothic equivalent of "This is the fuz! You're surrounded by armed bastards!" and promptly shot the governor. By shot, I of course mean he opened up on full auto with both weapons and then threw a grenade at him. We would later learn that Lerod felt that this was the fastest way to resolve things. He was right in more ways than he might expect.

As the rest of the governor's bodyguards were preoccupied keeping the crowd away from him, no one was in the right place to dive in front of those shots. Of all the threats present there, no one expected the catering staff to go nuts and attack their employer after all, or use explosives. So, the governor looked on in horror at the barrage of deadly firepower heading his way, and then just grinned. There was an eldritch pop, and the governor disappeared. In his place was a very tall, very spiky looking, daemon prince of Slaanesh. We would later learn that its presence here was supposed to be a big twist in the planned story. One of several which were rapidly ruined as the turns drew on.

As the giant thing-which-should-not-be soaked up the bullets and began striding towards the alarmed Lerod, the world went to hell. Most of the servants promptly began screaming praises to the ruinous powers as the bodyguards disrobed themselves, unveiling disturbing tattoos and a variety of bone-blade mutations. Yes, including the one you are thinking of, those whose minds are in the gutter. Apparently with the jig up, every cultist in the building decided they were just going to have some fun with us instead.

While most of us had gone in lightly armed to ensure our disguises, no good Inquisitor was ever without a few good weapons. So, while Tyrael activated a set of twin Optimus Prime style power swords and laid into the nearest cultist, Taldyran pulled an inferno pistol out of his rear and began roasting the daemon worshiping BDSM maniacs. Seemingly determined to keep a few of her newfound contacts alive, Hoth blew two of the mutating waiters to bits with biomancy before using the Will to try and force everyone towards the exit. A good plan, but it proved to be a remarkably bad move on her part. 

No sooner did she attempt it than the local Ecclesiarch - no, I don't know why a priest would be permitted inside in this sort of place either - looked at her in outrage. Oh, not at the use of her powers, just that a foul mon-keigh dared to try and use them on him. Dropping his own illusions, suddenly we were left with an Eldar Farseer in the room along with a small cadre of Aspect Warriors. Deciding that their mission - whatever it might have been - was not worth this, they decided it would be their best policy to kill any nearby witnesses. Namely us. 

As this entirely new and desperate fight broke out, Lerod was legging it for all he was worth. With a sword wielding being of hell bearing down upon him, he promptly started Errol Flynning it, swinging off of the chandeliers and across the room to stay one step ahead of it. Giving the code "Epsiolnia" to his comrades, they began blowing up to the support beams to the room via melta weapons. Yes, they brought melta weapons to an infiltration mission. Who wouldn't?

Tyrael meanwhile had apparently activated beast mode at this point, using his bionics to his every advantage. Leading a group of eight cultists up a flight of stairs in a running series of parries and strikes, he suddenly dived forwards and activated his jump pack. Most of those in front of him were quickly reduced to a red smear, and the few who were unlucky enough to live, he promptly turned into projectile weapons against the eldar. Said eldar were rapidly being swamped by Chaos followers and a rather angry Hoth. 

With the Farseer having fired off several mind bullets at her, the Inquisitor was fighting back with everything she had. Unfortunately, for all her fury, Hoth was losing badly and being quite badly smacked around by the much more powerful mind. Unfortunately for the Farseer, Hoth wasn't above cheating to win. Using her telekinesis, and several very successful rolls, she promptly collapsed the floor beneath the Farseer sending him tumbling down into the room below us. Several cultists promptly piled in after him, and six frag grenades later, Hoth had dispatched about half of our opponents. 

During this Taldyran was having one hell of a time. Despite being the least inclined towards combat, his player had opted to buff out his hand to hand capabilities. So, while most of us were fighting with psychic lightning and robot swords, he was turning this into the church scene from the Kingsman if it were directed by John Woo. Machine gun punching one cultist until his spine was almost blown free of his body, he somersaulted over another's head (snapping his neck along the way!), before bisecting another with a stolen power sword. Then, after punching a grenade into the hole, he kicked the corpse backwards, killing three others.

Yes, apparently everyone but Tyrael had brought grenades as well. We were all remarkably well armed for this sort of mission, even if Lerod was quickly taking the cake.

While a few nobles had managed to scarper free from the building, most were being caught in the crossfire and quickly culled. The GM's exact words were a "running waterfall of red" as the blood began to flood through the hole Hoth had created. Unfortunately for us, while this did not spawn a Bloodthirster, the sheer excess of pain was powering up the daemon prince. Shrugging off everything the Inquisitor was throwing at him - even after he switched to expanders and dum dum rounds - it was promptly tormenting the man with its powers. Sapping away his will and tormenting him, it was gleefully stripping away his sanity, toying with him before it went in for the killing blow. In fact, the reason most of us were likely alive was due to its fixation with him. This was working for the most part, right up to the point where most of the roof collapsed in atop of the daemon prince, smashing it to the floor.

Rising quickly, it stumbled about, only to come face to face with a henchman wielding an autocannon. Yes, he brought a fucking autocannon to a social mission. And guess what, it worked out for the best! As the daemon prince turned towards the others, it was hit full in the face with several melta weapon blasts and auto cannon rounds. Chipping away at his massive HP stat, the henchmen loosed enough firepower to level the entire building, but succeeded in only making him stagger backwards. Towards a window. At this point I should probably mention that we were at the top of an Imperial spire, right across from a second adjacent spire.

Seeing his opportunity, Tyrael sprinted forwards, activated his jump pack, and promptly slammed into the daemon prince with all his might. So, the group was briefly granted the glorious sight of a gothpunk Robocop unleashing a jet-propelled flying clothesline on Diablo-lite, smashing them through a priceless window. Tussling through the air, the two traded blows for several moments. The daemon almost killed Tyrael with one good hit, before he kicked clear of the monstrosity. With another blaze of fire from his back, he smashed through the window of the opposing spire, leaving the daemon prince to plummet to its demise. 

At this point, the original ball room was quickly being evacuated for obvious reasons. Between daemonic infestation, a large three way battle and blowing up its supports, the entire thing was ready to collapse in upon itself. So, making a brief truce, the surviving Inquisitors promptly legged it to the launch pad on the roof. One large bribe and loud threat to the pilot later, and they escaped the slowly collapsing building in the governor's gun cutter.

Within an hour, the starting groups had managed to single-handedly kill all the villains (including a few nobles we didn't even know were important), destroy their armies, and blow up their base of operations. Had he not been busy laughing at weeks of work going up in smoke, the DM would probably have attempted to strangle us at that point.

Suffice to say, we never did attempt another Inquisitor game on that same scale. Most of those we tried were usually one-shots or two or three session games from then on. Believe it or not though, a few of those were even more insane than this one.